Life Changing

talking

2011-03-14T20:59:00.002-05:00

why is it so hard to talk, to share emotions, to lay everything on the table. why can we not express how we feel...it is because we are afraid how it will make the other person feel...but why...it could make everything better. do we not talk to protect the ones we love, but really how do we know if it is going to protect them...why do we just assume, who are we to assume what is best for the other person. Assuming we all do it...come on...you know you do...i do! i make assumptions all the time about peoples feelings, what clients want, what is best for the ones i love...it is not fair for the most part to make assumptions...however...make the assumption is easier than talking about it...right...well that is what society tells us...bottle emotions, don't share your feelings...deal with them in the privacy of your own home your own space....this is wrong...we should talk about how we feel...i feel as though i am labeled as a gossip and a social butterfly...i wear my emotions on my sleeve....i am also know to give too much information...can a person communicate too much...if so then i am that person...and i do not mind it...this way no one can come back and say i did not tell them...but is it over the top...

Bone Scan

2011-03-10T12:40:00.002-06:00

So i have been having some pains, deep to the bone...hence the bone scan....i go tomorrow morning. For the first time I am not worried, there is nothing i can do. I am healthier than i have ever been in my life, in pretty good physical shape, so if it is cancer then it is meant to be. It is oddly scary that i am this calm...I have not told my family yet, i hate to worry them over nothing. Although, I have baffled the doctors...then again what about me does not baffle the doctors...there is nothing "normal" or routine" about me and my cancer. One thing i can say is it is nice to hear how Lance is scared and maybe this is why i am more calm because I know he is scared too. In the past he was the "strong" one he had the outlook of what ever happens happens...but we have been working on expressing emotions ( i feel as though i am talking about a 5 year old) (i love you babe :) ) I think it is hard for men to express their emotions though, or anyone for that matter...people like to bottle them up...i am finding that putting them out there on the table is better, then you can address them and be able to work through them. It is so helpful and comforting to know that both Lance and I are scared, but it is out of our hands and we will be here for each other no matter the outcome. I am not sure if i will get answers tomorrow or not, i just know i have to be there bright and early at 7:30 but the scan is not until 11:00 - so i am guessing i will have to get some type of dye, injection or fun liquid to drink...should be interesting....

pains

2011-03-08T19:59:00.003-06:00

I hate living like this...i have a pain....well first i should say i have a HIGH tolerance for pain...you know when the doctor asks you to rate your pain on a scale of 1 -10 they always add two more onto what ever i say...I can go months with pain...well i went three years before i had my first surgery...anyways...now when i get pains and they last for more than a month, and i can not relate them to anything...yes i track my pains and if there is a relationship to something i am doing in my life...then i call the doctor...here is the thing as soon as i call the doctor i am in to see him that day or the next...they don't take any risk with me...so needless to say i hate pains...because it could mean cancer....then again everything to me means cancer...that is always where my mind goes...how do i get past that pain. Yes it is a pain to me...I want to be able to release it and walk away from it...i want to respect and acknowledge it but i want to walk away from it. and the ultimate question...how...yep i am back to the questions...always questions...

Dreams

2011-02-23T12:02:00.003-06:00

Dreams....

what do you want to do with you life? what is your dream job? what is your dream house? wildest dream? craziest dream?

how do you handle having dreams ripped form you? i realized yesterday that i don't really dream anymore. Every since i was little i dreamed of having my own child, one that i carried for nine months, had a bond that was stronger than anything. I dreamed of how i would tell my parents i was pregnant, how i would tell my husband and friends. How do you dream when you are not sure if you will be here next year? I just want to make it to the next scan. I know you are suppose to be positive but is it just so hard. I know people say i will be here, but they have no f***ing idea. No one does. How am i suppose to dream of having a child, even adopting when i don't know if i will be here to watch them grow up. I know, i know...nothing is ever guarantee anyone could step off the curb tomorrow and get killed, i get that, that is a tragedy, horrible and unimaginable. But still they had no idea, so they where dreaming of their life and their future. Here i feel that i was given a death sentence but i have no idea when...so it hangs over me...this storm cloud...i am just waiting for it to thunder and lighting...

How do i work past this...I want to dream again...I want to live my life and look toward the future...but how....

Closer to Love

2011-02-16T09:31:00.002-06:00

This amazing song by Mat Kearney has been in my head for sometime now...particularity one of lyrics - I guess we are all one phone call from our knees. It reminds me of my phone call and yes how it brought me to my knees. Then how I had to make the phone call to others that would bring them to theirs. It reminds me how it did bring us closer to love.

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call
from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin
Down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life

You pull me closer to love hu huuh
Closer to love hu huuuh
Pull me closer to love
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love

3 Years Since Chemo

2011-02-16T08:37:00.003-06:00

So yesterday was three years ago since my last chemo treatment...wow where has the time gone...at times it seems like yesterday and then again it seems like a life time away. That was such a battle, who am i kidding it still is a battle. Some of my battle wounds have healed but some or still so fresh. My hair is back to pre cancer, my body is in better physical shape than ever. But the emotions - well they are all over the board. I blame myself, I did something wrong, it is my fault. My who's standards and rules you ask, well I am trying to figure that one out. It is crazy how if I stop and think about it I can loose hours lost in thought. Trying to figure out the why's. Here is the hard part (truly it is all hard but here is one of them) I will never have answers, at least not in the life, even then will the be the answers that I want. Do I even know what I want to hear, yes the truth. Plain and simple, the truth to the ultimate questions, why me?

where has the time gone

2010-05-21T12:00:00.001-05:00

On April 30th I reached my two years of my "base scan" (the one after chemo and radiation). I cannot believe I have made it two years without any sign of it. I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop. I just read an article on MSN, 6 things never to say to a cancer patient:
1 Everything is going to be alright
2 I know how you feel
3 Try to keep a positive attitude, relax, and avoid stress. It can help you heal
4 We can beat this
5 Now, now don't get yourself all worked up
5 Congratulation, you're done with chemo (radiation)

It got me thinking...I do hate these sayings...and here is why

1 - how the hell do you know are you God?
2 - how the hell do you know are you God?
3 - walk in my shoes and then let's see how you feel
4 - how the hell do you know are you God?
5 - walk in my shoes and then let's see how you feel
6 - how the hell do you know are you God?

So unless you have walked in my shoes or your God just shut up and listen to my story. Take what I say and apply it your life....learn from it, grow form it, share it with others, this is the only way we can truly beat cancer. Knowledge is power and if we have that power then we can fight it. Cancer is different with everyone...no one story is the same. It rocks everyone to the core...it sends ripples into their ponds that reach the shores of others. BUT if we listen, yes listen to the stories - not relate to them - just shut up for a minute and let the survivor talk, they deserve that, we may learn something.

2 Years

2009-08-20T08:53:00.004-05:00

2 years ago today...my life, my husbands life, my families life was turned upside down and then right side up. In other words 2 years ago from today I was told I had cancer. I can still feel my heart being taken from my chest and when I took a bit of life away from the people I love. Telling Lance and my fmaily (excpecailly my parents) was the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. Even harder than battling. Looking the ones you love in the eyes and telling them you have cancer....there really is no way to discribe it. I can feel the rush of emotion in Lance voice on the other end of the phone as I had to tell him. The car ride back from Branson was never as long as that ride, however, I would not have traded that ride with Lance for anything....it gave us time away from the world, time to talk, time to let it sink in (although to this day I still have to remind myself), time to cry.

People say that we should be happy that I have made it two years...but in reality I have not (the all clean bill does not come until after chemo and radiation) This is the day I went into battle...it is a dark day on my history. Now the day I got a clean bill - that is the day Lance and I won this battle. However, I fear we will have to fight again....in every great empire there are many wars and battles, we will have another. I have faith we will win again but it will be a long hard fight!

grant me serenity

2009-06-21T22:58:00.002-05:00

I want to live to the best of my availbity that I know how. I ask that You guide me down the right path and lead me throught the hard time that will lay infront of me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

WOW ... it has been a long time

2009-04-26T21:34:00.003-05:00

It has been such a long time since I have posted.... i guess there is not too much new things happening here.... I am still having the same emotional issues....I still have a amazing husband... I am happy that cancer seems to be old news to people...I still feel like people do not know how to handle "this"...still the one thing that always gets to me it the children issue....but I think that no matter what I am going to have that... so here is the real deal...I wake up every morning and decide to fight this "thing" ... however I know that no matter how hard I fight I will battle this again and it is what i will loss my life to in the end....weather that be sooner or later I do not know...but these are my feeling...scary that really looking back on my life I really always think I knew that I would be "sick" or that I was "sick"....does that sound weird....ya it does...

Been Awhile

2009-04-06T18:42:00.001-05:00

WOW...how you think that you are past this all but your not...I guess part of me thought as time went on I would move on...how hard it is to move past something that has shaped me into the person I am right now typing this. It is so hard, you ask what is it...it is everything and nothing all in one. I know choices are made every second of everyday and you must make these decisions and then move on, once it is made it is hard to go back, in fact there is no rewind you can not undo what you yourself has written. Or what else has been written for you. How do you put your mind and soul at rest. I am weary, I am weak. How do I stay strong and stand with both feet firmly planting in my choices. I am in constant fear that each second could be my last and that each day could end and I may not see the sunrise or that I may not see the sunset. I can only do what is asked of me and what I choose to do. However, how do I know it is right, is there a right? How do you let the mind rest? I want to rest! I feel as though my path is not that much longer, but why do I feel this. What are the signs around me saying? How do I see them and how do you know what they are saying? Why must I be so troubled by so much and so little? I want to be a better person, how do I make the charges to that? If I am a better person then how do I know? What makes me better? I try my best but always want to rewind and try again but with the knowledge I have from the presence to the past. Do others feel the same or do I swim alone in this sea of doubt and regret?

All Worked Up For Nothing

2009-02-05T17:13:00.002-06:00

So - I got good results back from the doctor yesterday....the cyst is fluid filled which is GREAT news...in fact in could mean that my ovaries are working again...which means that I am getting the hormones that my body needs...

However now I have to tell my mom...yes I kept it from my family...I am sorry, I just want to protect you all...I love you

Again

2009-01-25T14:11:00.003-06:00

So on Thursday night - Jan 22, 2009. Lance and I went to the ER...we thought that I was having an apendicitest....instead...I have a cyst on right ovary. I know that it should not mean anything but as we all know this is how it all started.

We walked in the ER around 11:00, presenting with all the proper symptoms...they took blood and urine and then I bought myself a CT Scan, at 3:15 am the ER doctor came in and told us the news...she was thinking that this was good instead I burst into tears. She then left to call Dr. Powell's office, the on call doctor for them said to send me home and call in the morning. More test where going to need to run but that I would probably have to go to Barnes. So in the morning I called, and for the first time I had a bad experience with Powell's office, the nurse was harsh. She did not seem to understand how scared I was nor did she care. Unfortunately Dr. Powell was out, they schedule me for an ultrasound but not until Feb 4...so as soon I got off the phone I call Dr. Adkins office...I just left a message. From here we laid in bed for a bit and then got ready to face the day. I could not just lay around and let my mind worry. Later in the day I did speak with Toni, Dr. Adkins nurse, she tried to calm me down, however, I do not think that it is possible. We talked about how she is pulling all my charts and the scan from last night, how Dr. Adkins is going to want to look at them himself he is not going to read a report. He is also going to want to talk to Dr. Powell. So it would be until Monday until I would talk to them, she also said that we would move up the ultra sound...Adkins is not going to want to wait that long....

On my way home that night, I did received a call from the on call doctor from Powell's office...Dr. Brooks...she was very nice...I got the feeling that...she got word of how worried and scared I was and that probably Powell asked her to call me. She said that she had talked with Powell and he was going to be looking at the scan on Monday, but that she had looked at the scan again and the cyst seems to be fluid filled, which should be comforting. Also the cyst is very small only 4 centimeters. Still not comforting...but that she did not seemed concerned. She wanted to touch base with me and let me know that Powell was aware of what was going on and that they would all be looking into it on Monday and I would have more test. That cyst or normal...but let's be serous...is there normal with me...

As for how we are feeling...scared out of our minds...we have not told our families yet, Lance parents knew we where at the ER b/c Heath happen to call while we where on our way. Lance told them that we where not sure what was going on but we should let them know. I did tell some people at work, only b/c I was not there in the morning and had to tell them something...As for my parents...not until we have more answers....my mom is going to freak out....I just can not do that until I am sure what is going on...not until I have answered...I can not let here worry like this....I know that it might be mean not to give her the information, but I have to protect her...the best way I know how....

I am so scared that it is back...however if it is I am ready to fight!

Lance

2009-01-14T15:56:00.003-06:00

Where do I begin...he is the most amazing thing that has happen too me...truly without him I am not sure if I would not be where I am at today. The way he makes me laugh, the way he is there when I need a hug or an "I Love You". I know that I get on him about not showing any emotions but I think that sticking with me and standing by my side is the like shouting his love for me from the mountains. He asks me all the time why I am with him, I try to tell him I do not understand why he is with me - if you know me then you know that I am a pretty princess and sometimes very difficult to deal with - but there he is laughing at my idiosyncrasies, shrugging his shoulders at my rants. It is such power to have a person who really completes you, and he does. He is quite the opposite of me - so calm, so nonchalant about heavy items...just the mentality that we will deal with when the time is right or if at all. We will make it through it...we have made it through it. I cherish the way he makes me feel and how he keeps me in check...I am sure my mother would agree.

I have a wish for all that I know and all that read this, may you all find your "Lance", someone who know everything about you. Someone who has sat on the other side of the tub as you have cried in the shower. Someone who has laughed at you and with you so hard that your sides hurt the next day. Someone who is just there for you. Someone who would trade places with you if they where given the opportunity. Someone who loves you with all that they have in there heart and soul. May you all find this person, once you have hold on to them as tight as you possibly can.

Children

2009-01-08T23:03:00.002-06:00

So again on this subject....children...yes this one...the one that hurts the most...

Christmas was great, we went to Branson to spend the holidays with his family. We have one niece, 3 and two nephews, 2 and 6...they are amazing....the way they look at life they way they see and handle pain...how innocent..how faithful...how trusting....to be a child...to have such little cares in the world...I want a child of my own so bad....it is so hard to fight back the tears every time the thought comes to my mind, even now as I type I have to take a deep breath. I just hate how unfair it is, not only to me but to Lance and my Parents...my mother once told me how special my children would be to her daughter becoming a mother. I hate that I do not get to every say the two words "I'm pregnant". I is just not fair...I know that there must be a better plan for me, it is just so hard to see in this dark grey time. I want this fight to be over I want to be past this. I want to know, see and feel the light at the end of the tunnel. See it's brightness...Feel it's warmth...know it's power!

Cheating

2009-01-08T22:55:00.004-06:00

I feel as though I am cheating loved one on their lives. I know that I have talked about it before, but is it not fair to those who love me to stand by me...no one signed up for this ride. I have come to the realization that I will fight this at least one more time in my life. I know that I must be strong, it is so hard...I am not sure. I do not feel as though I can go back to the way I was... before cancer...but during cancer I hand only one thing on my mind, survival! Now that I have kicke it's ass, at least this time around, I am just not sure where or what I am suppose to do. I want to do something different, have a meaning, make a difference. I can not not say I did something different with my hair...I can not deny this part of me. A very good friend of mine made a very interesting point. When I was first diagnosed I did what I had to do, I did not really deal with any of the emotions... now about a year later I am having to face them all. I buried them and they are coming to the surface and fast. I feel bad for the ones I love as though I am cheating them of the life the deserve...

Hair

2008-12-16T16:50:00.005-06:00

So know that my hair is longer - no long enough though - it is weird when people ask about it...like when people ask when I got it cut, or comment on how cute it is...it is so awkward...I guess I have been so open about the whole process what is going to stop me know? I try to say back yes it is coming in nicely or growing back great...still people do not get it...I am not sure if people just think that there is no way they could know someone who has cancer or if they just want to deny it...hello people...it is becoming so much more prevalent in our world...it is just down right scary! (we will talk about this in a bit)

My hair is cute...I am lucky that I have not gone through an awkward stage with it...but it does not mean that I like it...I hate my hair...I want it long and to be able to pull in back... I am just so tired of people commenting on my hair...I will try to get a picture posted so you all can see....not that there are many people reading this...mainly just me! That is ok...it is such a good release for me!

My Christmas Song

2008-12-09T17:10:00.002-06:00

So last year during one of my chemo treatments around this time of the year, my mom and I came up with a cancer Christmas poem....yes you heard me right...A Cancer Christmas Poem! You should have seen us during chemo laughing and trying to come up with words to rhyme...people where lookn' and thinkn' we where crazy...well we might be just a bit

So here it is....hope you all love it!

T'was the night before chemo and all thru the house
Sarah was hustling and bustling about
When all of the sudden
There came such a clutter
And there was Lance up on a ladder
Sarah ran to the window and then to the door
Expecting to see Lance laying on the floor
But what to her wondering eyes did she see
Dr. Adkins as jolly as can be
He held five red chemo bags tightly and dear
And exclaimed to them
"I don't think you will need these next year!"
The treatment has worked, the cancer is gone
Miracles have happened from somewhere beyond
Sarah and Lance stood there in amazement
Then broke into song
Merry Christmas to you and to all who have helped me along!

Hope you have enjoyed my little poem, mom and I had such a good time coming up with it!

Will Fight Again

2008-12-03T16:39:00.003-06:00

So Yes, I have come to terms that cancer will come back and that I will have to fight again...I am ready! I have such a high chance of it reoccurring - 60% - that is high! So I have decided that it will come back I am not sure when but it will... I know that this probably sounds so weird to a lot of people, but put yourself in my shoes. If I am prepared for it the second time around then maybe just maybe it will make it a little less easier to swallow....

Clean!

2008-12-03T16:35:00.002-06:00

Yes, that is right...another clean scan!

Wow...it is so weird. I have to remind myself that I have - had - cancer and that I kicked it's ass!
This time last year I was in chemo, I was fighting ... I am still fighting, I think that is why I have to remind myself...it has to be real! I have to say it to make sure mentally I am fighting.

Anyways I got to tell my whole family all at once...my brother and sister -n- law where in from CO. We where over at Andy and Marisa new home (so pretty) having dinner. It was weird...I don't want to make big deals out of them ... but they are big deals ... I am just scared how am I going to tell them when the news is not good...

That Time Again

2008-10-25T21:21:00.003-05:00

It is getting to be that time again - another scan - I am about a month out. Like last time I am not telling anyone (besides my husband) the date. I really do not want to stress or worry anyone. So I am faced with a dark part of the path - it seems like everyday starts out dark - as I am the one who cares the light. I just hate this for the next few weeks I will be a wreck! Not knowing is the worse, but knowing can be just as bad. I have to start preparing, there is always a chance that it will come back....I know that I am suppose to keep a positive outlook but it is hard. The first time around I was sure it was not Cancer and know look where I am at. So I hope that I do not drive my family and husband nuts as I am sure my nerves will be tender over the next few weeks

Pretty

2008-10-13T21:40:00.004-05:00

So when you go through cancer, surrey chemo and radiation...you lose a part of yourself. I mean at 24 I was told I could not have children....that is another subject...another blog...this one is about you out word identity....I love my husband and I know that he loves me, but with all this I need to hear how pretty I look...not cute...pretty! Yes there is a difference....I know that I am at fault in part of this whole thing...I say that I am unattractive...but it is how I feel...I do not have the long hair that my husband love...or the body I was use too...don't get me wrong I do not mind my body but I am 25 and at this age going through menopause ....part of me is 25 and another 60....it is hard. I just really want to go back to the way it was...I know...I know...I can't! IIWII....it is just so hard, I want so badly to look in the mirror and at least see what I saw, it seems like so long ago...I know life will never be the same but I want to look the same...I do not think it is hard or difficult to ask...I guess there is things I could do, get up and work out...but how all I do is work...I love my job...but when and I to find time to make it to a gym, if I can not find time to eat!

So what is a girl to do -

I guess I really feel bad for my husband he did not sign up for my roller coaster ride - I am sure this is not what he had in mind when he agreed to marry me...I love him so much and could not have made it through this year without him...I hate what I do to him sometime and what he has gone through also....

Thinking

2008-10-09T23:35:00.003-05:00

So...after figuring out i have been blacklisted ... I just really am not sure what to think ... many ... no most ... no really all but this one person that I know of who has been a part of my life, has let things in the past be in the past...I really have been blessed ... i know that I can not go back and change what I have done and that I did what I thought was the best at that time ... however people grow and change and you have to make allocations for this ... I am not the same person I was in high school...college...or even a year ago...or even a week ago...everyday we learn and grow, if not then what are you doing with your life. I just really thought people grew up. I appreciate all those who have, it really means so much to me. I know that I have done some things in my life that I am not happy with or proud of for that matter, however I can not change them I can learn and make sure to never repeat what I did not like. I need to learn to copy what I do like about me and realize that not everyone may like it, but really in the end I need to be able to stand by what I believe. I also need to know that this might change in a year. I also know that sometimes things are going to happen and be said and it is harder too undo things, but if I do not try then I am the one who is at fault...however if the person on the other end does not accept what I am trying to do then they are at fault also...it takes a bit from everyone involved to get to the top. I thank those who have forgiven me when I have asked and when I have not. Thanks and I will see you on the top - the view will be amazing with you by my side!

off subject

2008-10-09T23:31:00.002-05:00

Blacklisted

I guess we never really grow up -

Wow I thought that these things only happened in high school and college (we know that i am on a few list from college)

But here is the story...I emailed my ex earlier in sept, just to say hi and see how he was doing, anyways he emailed back and gave me a brief update - so I emailed in return , a left field email I will admit - apologizing for high school and thanking him all in one ( I guess I was having one of those nights, looking back and evaluating my life and what I would or would not have done different ... stupid cancer) anyways he emailed back again that there was no need for it it happened a long time ago and he would email me later in detail...well needless to say I never heard anything, so I was playing around on face book ... he was on my list due to the fact that we where emailing...I noticed he was no longer there, so I went looking and could not find him - so I really went looking - and still nothing (please know that I really began to get worried that something was wrong) then it dawned on me I could go into my inbox and the emails would be there - at this point I wanted to just make sure he was OK - well then when the emails where there but the picture profile was gone and a little box popped up - that said I could report him also and cut all ties! I GOT BLACKLISTED - I mean really how old are we....it is not that I was looking to be friend with him but shit lets grow up.

Quiet About It

2008-09-20T09:49:00.003-05:00

In talking with some of my servers the other day I found out I was a bit more harsh than I wanted to come across - more like my approach to having cancer was not what you typically hear. I always told it how it was, it wasn't necessarily that I was mean about it, I just always went straight to the point...no bull shit! Particularly after I shaved my head and started to wear a wig. Many people asked why I had cut and colored my hair so drastically - this for some reason bothered me. Really if I had cut and colored my hair the reason really does not concern most, so if you asked you where getting the truth and I was not quite about it. I just told it how it was, I always lead with the whole cancer thing, I didn't want my had to be held so why was I holding yours. I know that laughing and joking about it was not the some peoples idea of the way to handle it, but it was the best way for me. I understand that I looked very different and took some people that second look to realize it was me, but as I have said before I didn't want it to look like me - this cancer is not me. So really I was not quite about it, other people needed to be quite and keep their opinions to them selves. Once you started to ask me questions, you where ready for the answers weather you knew it or not.

Wigs

2008-09-07T21:33:00.002-05:00

So wig shopping was very emotional experience. To me it was the reality of cancer. Knowing that no matter what my hair was going...it was like losing a part of my own identity...I know that it is just hair, but I was blonde and losing your hair is strange. SO the first time I went it was my mother and grandmother and I...we went to this place here in town. They where very helpful however, selecting what your identity is going to be for the next several months is kinda strange...actually strange does not even explain it. The first time that a wig was put on my head...I had to fight back the tears...It all came crashing around me...but I put my head and a face myself in the mirror. I found one that I did like...it looked nothing like my real hair. But I wanted to keep looking...so later that week Lance my mom and I went to another store...needless to say I kept comparing these wigs too the one that I liked. I selected a brunette bob that looked nothing like me. I think I really wanted something that was not me ... the whole cancer thing is not really me thus I did not want something to look like me...I was handed down a blonde wig that did resemble my hair, I wore it a few times but it was hard to look at myself and it look like me but I did not feel like me... I know it sounds crazy but whatever. I remember that first day I wore my wig, the day after I shaved my head, I was so afraid people where not going to like it...and since it was so different than my hair many people asked why I had decided to change...not really realizing what they where asking....besides the point and another posting... So how do I look as a brunette

Matt & Michelle are down front, I am on the right with Lance by my side then Andy & Marisa on the left

Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow

2008-09-07T20:29:00.008-05:00

So with the type of chemo I was getting, I was going to loss my hair. Rather than letting it fall our on it's own, I did what most people are doing now a days...I shaved my head. It was a few days before my family and I flew out to Colorado, we where going out there for my Goddaughters' baptism. Lance was not able to go with us, so I could not image being somewhere other than at home and especially without him there and the possibility of losing my hair. I was told it would happen after my first week of chemo within about a week of chemo. So I decided to take matters into my own hand, or more like let Lance take them into his. So one night we did it...shaved my head. First I took crappy old scissors to my hair, chopped the hell out of it. Something like you would see a five year old do.

From here we took the hair clipper and just took it down as far as it would go....I made a cute shave head...perfectly round. Then it was Lance's turn, yes out of love my husband and I had matching hair ... a least for a bit...

Chemo and Me

2008-09-07T20:09:00.004-05:00

So having chemo is something very strange...you are given all these possible side affects...but you never really know how and what you body is going to do until you are put through chemo...I was very proud of myself...and my body! I NEVER got sick...although I did have some nausea, but you are given good drugs for that. I really was very tired all during the week, not too sure if it was from the anti-nausea medicine or from the chemo...wither way I would get up go to chemo, sleep during chemo, come home and sleep and then do it all over again (Monday through Friday) I did work every Saturday after my chemo weeks, I really think that it was the best b/c it made me get up and get back to normal, there was not sulking around my house waiting for the affects of chemo to wear off...it was get up and face the world. Get up and kick this cancer , chemo in the ass. So that is what I did! I also had what they call "chemo brain" which in other words I had memory loss...this was the crazy, weirdest thing of all...it was like black outs...of for example...On one Saturday before chemo I had run to bed bath and beyond to get something, whatever it was did not work out so I had to return it. On that Tuesday Lance and I went to return the item. However the next Sunday I went looking for the item to return it...I had no recollection of returning it on Tuesday with Lance. Also do this date I still don't even know what the item was...This was so frustrating, I had very good memory and also had no problem recollecting things. I also had problems with focusing...I constantly had to make list and work my way through them...if not I would loss track and forget what I was doing.

During my weeks of chemo it was like I was not really me, a sort of out of body experience

First Day of Chemo

2008-09-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

I arrive at the Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes Jewish Hospital early in the morning around 8:00 am. With Lance by my side we take the elevator up the 7th floor, here we stop at one of the two counters, I am given a pager (the type you get a restaurant when you are waiting for a table) From here I wait for it to buzz, once it goes off, I go through the sidling double doors, which lead to all pods. I am weighted and then taken to be accesses and to have blood drawn. Accessed is when a nurse puts a "pigtail" into my port, which is located above my right chest. In other words I have a tube hanging out of me for a week. From here I head back out into the wanting area and head across to the doctors office. I must meet with the doctor before I begin treatment, making sure all my levels are alright before they hit my body with the chemo. Once you see the doctor then you head back across the waiting area to the other counter this one sits to the right of the sidling double doors. Again you are given a pager and wait. Once you are called you are taken back to a pod. Each pod has two nurses and six station, out of the six stations two are beds and the other four are reclining chairs. On the first day I had a chair. You are asked your name and date several times a day. Now it is a sit and wait. On my first day Lance was my chemo buddy, we both wanted to see what it was all about. My father came and had lunch with us. For the first day you don't really feel sick, none of the medicine really has hit your system yet. The different types of chemo must go into the body in different methods, I will explain in another blog the types of chem o and there delivery. Once I received my chemo I was sent home. Due to one type of chemo I had to have a treatment at night, for this Apria Home Health Care came to teach us a how too. From here I slept, until the next morning when I would do it all over again.

As the days went on the medicine began to take it effect.

Time Line of Events

2008-09-04T21:00:00.000-05:00

Aug 7, 2007 - Removal of Fibroid
Aug 20, 2007 - News of Cancer
Aug 22, 2007 - Doctor Appointments and 1st CT Scan
Sept 5, 2007 - Hysterectomy
Sept 12, 2007 - Post Operation with Dr. Powell
Oct 2, 2007 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Adkins - discus Chemo
Oct 5, 2007 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Zobery - discus Radiation
Oct 10, 2007 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Powell
Oct 23, 2007 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Adkins
Oct 25, 2007 - Port Placement - Muga Scan (to check my heart output)
Oct 29 - Nov 2, 2007 - First Week of Chemo - one full week of chemo 6-8 hours a day then two weeks off
Nov 26 - 30, 2007 - Second Week of Chemo
Dec 17 - 21, 2007 - Third Week of Chemo
Jan 7 - 11, 2008 - Forth Week of Chemo
Jan 28 - Feb 1, 2008 - Fifth Week of Chemo
Feb 15, 2008 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Adkins
Feb 27, 2008 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Zobery
March 3, 2008 - April 11, 2008 - Radiation - Everyday Monday - Friday 30 minutes a day
April 30, 2008 - Ct Scan - I refer to this one as the base scan
May 7, 2008 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Adkins - to discuss the results of the scan (from here on out I will have scans every 3 - 4 weeks to make sure the cancer has not come back
Aug 7, 2008 - CT Scan - Lance and I kept this one to ourselves
Aug 11, 2008 - Doctor Appointment with Dr. Adkins - all clear
Aug 12, 2008 - Told my parents and our families, that I had my scan and I was clean

iiwii

2008-09-03T21:12:00.001-05:00

It Is What It Is
this phrase came to be everyday dialog in our house...you come to the fast realization that there is really nothing you can do about your diagnosis except embrace it and face what it going to happen is going to happen. There is nothing you can do to stop it...nothing to ease the pain of it...nothing to hide it...nothing! So it is what it is....simple as that

My Husband

2008-09-03T20:59:00.001-05:00

He has been my rock, my strength. One of the main reasons why I get up and fight this battle every day! Without him by my side I am not sure what I would have done this last year. He is the only one who has seen me really go through this battle, from losing it in the shower to helping me shave my head, to being a chemo buddy, to just giving me a hug when I needed it. I think you get the picture. Truly there are no words to express what he means and will always mean to me. I can not imagine what this has done to him...Please know that my husband and I are very close, he just has a hard time of expressing his feelings, but I always know what they are. He has a very different out look on life than I do...a very positive one. One thing that I have realized during this experience is that it is very easy to fall into a negative downward spiral. He was always my light that kept the smile on my face.

So truly really what I want you to know about my husband and what I want him to know is that I love him with all my heart and soul. I could not imagine a day without him by my side. Thank you baby, you mean more to me than you ever will know.

Lance - i love you more x2

My Friends

2008-09-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

So I have two best friends...Megan D and Megan N...yep they are both Megan!

Telling them was difficult, you really don't expect a phone call from a friend at our age telling you that they have cancer. You expect, I am getting married, or I got a promotion ... nothing like this.

I love them both very much and they both mean very different things to me...I had their support from the second that they heard, even before they knew they where already standing by my side.

Work

2008-09-03T20:38:00.002-05:00

So telling my job was a different thing...I was always looked at as the little sister by many people in my job. Also I found out that when you tell people it is scary how close to home it hits people. You always think that something like cancer is so far out of your reach, but it is not. Telling my boss was hard, she has already been affected by cancer, her mother (who very sadly lost her battle this past year) My boss had to leave me - I guess I should I also say that I am not the best at delivery the news...I kinda just get straight to it...I lead with "OK, so I have cancer" and then fill in from there. My thought get the hard news out of the way first. I really did not want to tell my work but I was just coming off of two weeks due to the first surgery and needed to take the next day off (Wednesday - Aug 23, 2007) for testing and appointments. There where many people that it was hard to tell one of them being Paul ( a local stagehand).

I will say that my job over the last year has been amazing the support that I have received from those I work with is amazing. Really your co-workers are a second family, some weeks I spend more time at work than in my own house.

Family Background

2008-09-03T20:13:00.000-05:00

So a bit of background on the family....

Both my parents come from 8 (all but one of the 16 is married). From here I have 34 blood related cousins, 12 who decided to marry into the family, 12 second cousins. Now all but my brother, his wife and my niece along with one of my other cousins and his wife, all live in St. Louis. Yes so out of the 73 of us 5 do not live in town. So family news spread like wild fire. We knew that we we would take we would have to be ready to take and answer and deal with the reactions of them all. You can only image how many different personalities there are with 73 of us. This is the reason why decided to wait until Lance and I would have more information to give.

So you need to know that my entire family knew what my original surgery was and what the doctor had said. We also had a family Van Cleave family event in between the first surgery and us finding out it was cancer. Can we talk about lots of questions "have you heard anything?" Well why not?" Have you called to find out" Don't you want to know?" My response "no news is good news" or so I thought.

So telling my family was going to be an ordeal - to say the least

My Immediate Family

2008-09-03T19:49:00.001-05:00

So as a an only daughter and the baby in the family telling your parents that you have cancer was possibly the hardest thing I had to do. You know there is no sugar coating it... let me give you background, I am such a daddies little princess and my mother and I are best friends, really best friends.

About 6 hours after Lance and I first got the news we walked into my parents house. We had time to process and the shock had wore off, we where now in the limbo stage. The news from the doctor was nothing really, we knew that I was going to have to have surgery but that was about it. We did not know what type of cancer just that it was a sarcoma. We did not know the stage or if it had spread...so thus the limbo stage as I refer to it. So I knew going into my parents they where going to have too many questions and we did not have the answer to help heal the upcoming pain. As I walked through the door my father and mother where sitting watching TV. They knew, I did not have to say a word. Keep in mind we all knew there was a chance but we never thought it would be true. I remember my mother saying something along the line "it's cancer?" all I could do is nod my head yes. She did begin to cry, I shed a few tears, but I really do not think there was much more in me left to shed, I had been crying for the last 6 hours. They began to ask questions the only answer we had was that we would have to wait until Wed (it was a Monday). We left them with the unknowing to go tell one of my bothers and sister-n-laws (they at the time only lived a block away) I knocked on the door my bother let me in I asked where Marisa was - she was sitting on the floor in their bedroom. Again as soon as she saw my face she knew "it can't be true" again just a head nod from me. A hug and kiss a fill in on the very little details that we knew and then back to my parents. From here we called my other brother and sister-n-law (they live in Colorado). I don't really remember talking to them (sorry you guys I do love you though) We decided that we where not going to tell anyone else in my family until after my doctors appointment and CT scan on Wed. We knew that there was going to be too many questions and not enough answers. We also wanted to give the ones we love time to process what just hit them upside the head.

The Beginning

2008-09-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

So in the summer of 2006 I was diagnosed with uterus cyst - with are common in my family. I received lupron shots to help shrink the cyst...they did nothing. In July 2007 I underwent surgery to remove the cyst. I of course at the age of 24 and newly married (Oct 2006) wanted to make sure I was going to be able to still have children. So I was incredibly worried and scared about what the doctors would say after the surgery, never in my wildest dreams would I think cancer. Well surgery happened and when it was all over the doctor told my mother and husband that there was some abnormalities with the cyst. That he did not think there was anything to worry about, it probably had to do with the lupron shots I had received. Even during my post op the diagnoses was still the same, no test results had come back but still nothing to worry about. I still have the utmost confidence it my doctor and that he honestly and whole heartily believed that there was nothing wrong and there was no way it could be cancer. Although the mention of it had been brought up, however, I was told that they type of cancer it possibly could be does not really show up in women under the normal age of menopause, so really not too possible for a 24 year old. I should also say that cancer is nowhere in my family. So right about now it is the last thought in my mind - not me, no way, no how! Man was I wrong, two weeks from the date of my first surgery I received the phone call, in all reality I got a missed call from my doctor, he left a message...just stating that I needed to call...I knew it then but made the call anyways. Let me give a bit of background, we where in Branson visiting Lance's, my husbands, parents. Lance had just left to follow his father to drop of his truck, so here I am by myself making the most dreaded call of my life (to date). I knew it was bad when I got his nurse who as always asked who was calling for the doctor when I stated who it was I was immediately put through to the doctor. We all know that only happens when it is bad news. SO that was it...I heard cancer and hysterectomy and stop listening to what he had to say. I somewhere in there got off the phone, managed to call Lance (who had only been gone for about 10 minutes) and started to scream...needless to say he turned around and made it back to me in about 7 minutes, which seemed like forever. From here I was that scene in the movie, the screaming and crying not even be able to stand on my own two feet. I felt as though everything was ending I was not even sure what was going on, it truly was a dream sequence. So we got in the car and started to drive - Lance did call the doctor to get a bit more information. The next four hours back to St.Louis was the best thing for Lance and I, I know that sounds crazy but it made the two of us talk and really think about the mountain that was just put in front of us. We talked about everything from what will happen if this takes my life and the battle that we will fight to stop that from happening. Once back in STL we had to wait to tell my parents, I wanted to tell them in person but knew that I had to tell them when they both would be home. So at 5:45 pm I had to walk into my parents house and give them the news that I had cancer.

So this is where the journey begins ...

The last year in a glance

2008-09-02T21:11:00.000-05:00

As I sit here and think about the last year and how my life has been turned upside down and turned inside out, it is hard to not want to share it. I want to share my story with the world and hopefully be able to help and impact someones view on life. I was diagnosed with peripheral nerve sheath sarcoma on August 20, 2007 (just happens to be my husband birthday) (talk about a really bad birthday present) Over the next week I was told at the age of 24 I was going to have to have a full hysterectomy and possibly have to go through chemo and radiation. Oh did I mention I am the first person to have this type of cancer in my uterus...ya the hits just kept coming! From here I had surgery and then started chemo and then radiation. Now the game is hurry up and wait....wait to see if my body is strong enough to fight off this thing by itself...So what I am hoping do is to heal myself and to help others. I will add postings from the very beginning from my journal. I will tell you my experiences of the whole thing.